So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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