now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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