I haven't been this sober since birth.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
