Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
