I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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