It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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