even my farts smell like vagina
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
