I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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