there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I wish life had little blips of pornography
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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