Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
i think im in europe. pls send help
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
