I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
