omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
