Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
