wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
We need to get me chipped asap
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
