No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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