i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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