I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Small penises have feelings too.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
