A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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