So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
