There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
