They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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