he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
