you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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