You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
