i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
