you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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