Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
