my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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