Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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