I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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