Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
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