I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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