i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
