I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
