I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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