Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
