Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
