Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
