If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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