Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
