Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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