I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
