I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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