I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
