was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
