saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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