You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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