I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
