Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
