I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
