Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
