so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
