I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize