I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
