Say something about gay babies.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
