I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
