i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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